SAY WHAT? by Sandy Schuster-Hubbard

The Players:

 Dr. Phil McGraw: Assertive. Take charge psychologist and TV Personality known for "straight talk." He uses Texas colloquialisms to tell folks on his show how cows really eat the cabbage.

 Stuart Smalley: Saturday Night Live character. Non-confrontational. Member of numerous 12-Step groups, not a professional therapist but has a TV presence interviewing personalities despite his lack of credentials. Uses a tentative, soft-spoken voice.

 Imagine if Dr. Phil sought help from Stuart Smalley. If recorded, perhaps the session sounded something like this:

 Stuart: First, it's such an honor to have you here today.

 Dr. Phil: Thank you Stuart. May I call you Stuart?

 Stuart: Of course. Now what problem brings you here today?

 Dr. Phil: I'm feeling poorly about the ratings for my show. They’re slipping. My contract is good for a couple more years, so I've got some time.

 Stuart: Do you say affirmations?

 Dr. Phil: Say what?

 Stuart: Affirmations. You know—like "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me." They really help me.

 Dr. Phil: That dog don't hunt.

 Stuart: Oh no. I don't hunt. I couldn't kill any of God's creatures. And that's okay.

 Dr. Phil: No. I mean, how's that gonna raise my viewership? I need higher ratings. I should have higher ratings.

 Stuart: Well, sounds like someone is shoulding on themselves. Affirmations can—

 Dr. Phil: Get real.

 Stuart: That's okay. That's okay… But it sounds like someone's hooked into some stinkin' thinkin'.

 Dr. Phil: You're about half a bubble off a plumb, aren't you?

 Stuart: (turning away from Dr. Phil to face his mirror) I'm good enough, I'm smart enough—

 Dr. Phil: Reckon you tryin' to teach this old dog new tricks is tougher than a 
woodpecker's lips.

 Stuart: I don't think I know what that means. And that's okay. I really want to help you. (He tries to give Dr. Phil a hand mirror to say affirmations).

 Dr. Phil: (Pushes hand mirror away.) Well, affirmations is about as useful as buttons on a dishrag.

 Stuart: What?

 Dr. Phil: You know, useful as a pogo stick in quicksand?

 Stuart: Ohhh, I'm so confused. I so wanted to help. Seems like I'll never be any good. I'll always be useless.

 Dr. Phil: How's that workin' for you now...this affirmations thing?

 Stuart: You don't want to do them. And that's okay. That's okay. (Says to himself) Take a deep breath.

 Dr. Phil: Guess it's time for me to get real. I've already made enough money to burn a wet mule, and Oprah still likes me. The viewership thing, well I just have to remember that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior so I can probably increase the ratings again.

 Stuart: Okay, now someone's moving away from that stinkin' thinkin'. Remember progress not perfection.

 Dr. Phil: Boy, you can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make `em biscuits. I've got to go.

 Stuart: Okay. I'm so glad I was able to help. (turns to mirror and begins) I'm good enough...

 Dr. Phil: (walking away) Bless his heart. He's all hat and no cattle.